i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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