I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
