I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
