i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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