sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
