Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
