Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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