i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
