hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
