Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
