addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
