My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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