I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
