I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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