You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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