I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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