i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
