I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
