woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
