Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
