just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
