and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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