lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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