Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
