When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
