dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
