Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
