if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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