The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
that is very illegal...i love you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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