Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Too much gin, very little bucket
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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