and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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