I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
false alarm. still invincible.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
