i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think I just sharted jello shots
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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