just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
