Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
