How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Sober January is a disaster.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
3pm strippers are depressing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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