I'm fucking your sister right now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.