We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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