I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
