There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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