party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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