I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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