I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
