It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
