I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
