Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
