Why are handjobs necessary in class?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
