guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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