so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
