i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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