Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
