Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
