Christians are straight up FREAKS
I puked a lego.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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