what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
