sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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