Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
