ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.