im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
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His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.