Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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