I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
