Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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