I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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